Today I wasn’t myself. This morning I woke up and it was like I hit every branch of a cranky tree on the way down from the very top branches.
I can often shake it, yet today, being human, it was one of those days!
I advocate Mindfulness so on days when I just feel shitty, am emotionally re-active and lash out, I spiral into self-negativity, self-doubt and guilt; not very mindful right?!
Usually when I feel days like this, I can usually take myself out for a long walk, run a bath or reset in another nourishing way. Today I didn’t give myself this “luxury” and I put pressure on myself to get EVERYTHING done on my list in between School drop off, meetings, school pick up, birthday present shopping, petrol, drop off to sports, then home again to cook diner so we can all eat by 7:00 pm.
How unrealistic that I’d achieve a week’s work in the measly hours I set aside to “get it done”. Then to self-criticize for not cooking for my family or cleaning the house so I jump in and get that done too!
I know I wear a cape although I am no superwomen, conversely, a witch or maybe a bitch? I get confused…
So, I joked through my day with polite conversations with cashiers in fear that I would lose my perpetual shit. All I wanted to do was take my raw chocolate and run deep into the wilderness, freeing the animal I felt inside yet I couldn’t. There are responsibilities, sports to get to, shopping to buy, food to cook, washing to do, dog to feed…
You get my point and don’t get me wrong, I have an incredibly capable husband who more than “lifts his game”. He is usually the one on top of EVERYTHING allowing me the space to work. (Yes he may read this at some stage, but no, not for brownie points. He is actually amazing!)
Its me. All me. My emotions, beliefs, behaviours getting in the way of a happy day. Like right now, its after 8 pm. I've ducked away from the dinner table after 7:30 pm and hubby is in the kitchen making school lunches (as I didn’t get it done today), telling the kids to get out of the shower (for the 6 th time) and washing dishes after working 12 hours.. WTF am I complaining about?!
So I digress, its me. This post is all about me. The real, raw and vulnerable one that is struggling to adult today let alone anything else! I know it is and although I am still feeling cranky, I'm a little more curious as to WHY?
Maybe it’s the sugar I’ve COMPLETELY cut from my diet, the fact that we are raising 3 daughters or something a little deeper?
I kinda got an inkling that there is some Sh*t I gotta unpack still. I'm 37 years old, had plenty of challenges in life and like to think I'm introspective. So I’ll lean in to this shitty uncomfortable feeling and unpack it, love it and this shadow that looms will dissipate when the light strikes.